I Had (Another) Miscarriage

This post was originally written on Saturday, October 5, 2019 and published October 9, 2019.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I sit here on October 5th, ironically the most popular birth day for babies, and wait to receive a D&C on Monday. A week ago I was pregnant and feeling every little bit of it. Nauseous, vomiting, and exhaustion held me by the reins. On Tuesday, just 5 days ago, I started to feel a little better. I was excited but also nervous. I shouldn’t have felt better yet…. but on Wednesday I felt pretty crappy again. (It’s crazy what you wish for when you’re pregnant after loss) After my last miscarriage, my body struggled to get back to normal. I had a 27 day period, followed by lots of spotting and just inconsistencies. When I found out I was pregnant in late August, I assumed I was 6 weeks along (looking at the calendar) and they scheduled me for an 8-week ultrasound. We went in and got to peak at our little babe and their strong heartbeat. They were measuring at 6 weeks, but because my body had been so inconsistent, this wasn’t really surprising. They scheduled us for another ultrasound two weeks later and weren’t concerned about it. Two weeks later, we went back to see that adorable fluttering heartbeat. I was nervous when they walked us into the same ultrasound room that we were in when we first found out about Hope, but tried to let it go. They sat and looked for our little babe. There they were, measuring 8-weeks, “but unfortunately there was no heartbeat.”

It sucked. Hearing those words and having all those emotions rush over us again was just hard. Pregnancy is so amazing and challenging but you’ve never felt so betrayed by your body as when you’re told your baby didn’t make it. You think of every little thing you could have done wrong and run it over and over and over in your head. My husband and I compared all of the things we did this year that we also did the year we lost Hope and vowed we would never do them again… even though we know it’s illogical. Those things have nothing to do with losing a baby but grief is weird like that.

Our biggest blessing during this loss is the fact that we can snuggle in bed with our son Lachlan and laugh at all the silly things he does. (9 month olds are so much fun!) I know that our path to him was challenging. Honestly, it sucked but everything about him is amazing. So I know our future family will be amazing. I know this loss will be worth it. I know that we are lucky to have experienced five pregnancies. But right now we’re just tired. Tired of feeling sad. Tired of losing. Tired of the anxiety that now accompanies a pregnancy. I will always ask for the other ultrasound room. I will never be able to feel comfortable in a pregnancy. I will never understand why this is the challenge God has given us. But I do know it’s here and it’s happening.

So, what do I wish people would do for us? What should you do if you know someone who is suffering pregnancy or infant loss? First, talk about it. It’s always on that person’s mind. Days, weeks, months, or years later. Text them on due dates, important days, and anniversaries. Mark these dates in your calendar. I can promise you, that person knows those dates and by texting or calling them, you’re not hurting them. You’re HONORING their experience. Just say, “Hey, I know today is hard. I’m here if you need anything.” or send them $5 for a coffee! Send them a virtual hug. Or a card! My favorite thing to do is send a plant from the sill in honor of their child. Especially a plant that’s durable and hard to kill. They’re affordable and serve as a loving daily reminder.

When we knew we were going to lose Hope, I had two weeks where we had to wait and see if her condition would improve or not. During those two weeks, I dove headfirst into a project I called Cards of Grace. I created cards for friends to send to someone suffering pregnancy or infant loss, along with some advice on how to support them during that hard time. I finally went ahead and published them today, just two years later, and want to share them with you. I wish I could share them for free, but honestly, I put hours and hours of time and effort into them and am proud of the work I did. I would love for you to check them out. And in order to give back, 10% of all proceeds from these cards will be given to the Star Legacy Foundation.

Am I forgetting anything? Is there anything you wish family and friends had done for you? Please comment below. Thank you for taking the time to read our story.